Write about a humiliating experience

"Today was like a shadow. It lurked behind me. It's now gone forever. Why is it that time is such a difficult thing to befriend?" ~ Mary Casey. Describe the shadow of yesterday... what is gone forever?

Oh Gees.  Welcome to my world.
The shadow of yesterday is everpresent and all gone, forever.  At the same time, it seems.  I am acutely aware of this.

The universe brought this prompt to me this morning as a pointed reminder.  I need to quit looking back so much of the time and face forward.    In my inner world, I spend too much of this thing called time considering and rehashing the past.  It is what it is. Now what? 

Like most everyone I know, Time also challenges me -- how I choose to "spend" it, what I actually choose to do.  Yesterday I renewed my relationship with my on-line To Do list, ToodleDo, by starting the exercise of adding estimated times each task would take and due dates.  A difficult and valuable endeavor.  Because, of course, there are more things to do than time in the day.  It assists me in seeing this clearer so I can further refine the list with the intention of putting my energy into what is important.  And allows me to be fully conscious when I actually choose not to. 

The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed." ~ Jiddu Krishnamurti. What do you love with all of your heart?

Well, this one is easy.

I believe there is no greater love, no deeper commitment than that of a parent for a child.  I love my daughter with all my heart.  And my Mother, too, for that matter. 

It's hard to quantify such a thing as love but there are countless others I love too; friends and my family of origin and my extended family.  My now ex-husband, even my ex-boyfriends.  To me, the heart is boundless in it's ability to expand and love others.

Do I love my daughter and mother more than the others? 
Perhaps.
Maybe it's a case of how "unconditional" the feeling is.  I don't really have a way to test this fortunately because no one on my list of people I love has behaved in any way that would cause me to love them less.  I am blessed in that way.

And in so, so many other ways.

"You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor." ~ Aristotle Describe a time when your courage helped you accomplish something significant.

Don't think too hard... go with the first thought or memory that comes to mind: The word is FORTUNE. 10 minutes. Write.

Fortune. I don't have a big connection with this word Have I lost a fortune? I still have a fortune when compared with the world's population. Is it my fortune to live my life as a single person? I am very clear that I'm fortune-ette, whatever my fortune is.

OK, that wasn't really 10 minutes.

"He has drawn back, only in order to have enough room for his leap." ~Friedrich Nietzsche What leap are you preparing to take?

I am thinking about drawing back and preparing. Thinking about it. Wondering where the idea of looking for a new job comes from. Is it just a big fat SHOULD that is based in some kind of unnecessary expectation I have for myself that I make more money? Is it a healthy hunger for more stimulation and challenge? Is it attached to a yearning to own my own home again?

This is predictable. I think about big deciions like this for a long time before I take any action. I know it looks like I don't if you consider my actions over the last year but it harkens back to when I wanted to leave Scriptomatic and when I wanted to leave Ceridian; I seemed to need to churn about it for months before getting the courage up to actually do something.

Here's the chatter:

There are so many benefits of my current job situation. I love going to work, for one. And I love having four day weekends every week. Who wouldn't? I have health care, autonomy, great co-workers, fun software to play with and puzzles to work out. I get plenty of recognition. and there is NO drama or stress. I mean, in so many ways, it's a dream situation.

But the hard reality is that I am shaving ever so slightly off my nest egg to continue. I'm certainly not saving any money. And while I prefer the current spending behavior of making conscious choices about how I spend my money over how it was when there was a plethora of bucks (I appreciate my purchases ever so much more now), still, it brings up some fear about not having enough. Which is pretty unnecessary, considering.

Well, I leave this an unfinished conversation with myself because, well, i have to go to work!

Let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius." ~ Pietro Aretino. What are you discovering this winter season?

One thing I want to say about this is how I am struck, over and over again, when I come upon a bare tree, large usually, with the grey sky behind it. It stops me. I want to try and capture it for some reason. Every winter this happens. I want to try and draw or paint it, all those fine. leafless branches. At least take a fine photograph. The beauty of the simplicity and complexity coexisting, delicately intertwined.



And why don't I? January is such a pure month. Clean. New. Bare. It holds such possibilities and somehow, the feeling of more time. It's not a highly appreciated month but I'm here to say it deserves better.

"Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever. . . it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything" - Aaron Sussman Select a photograph that captured a meaningful moment in time. What little things does it remind you of?

 Oh, there are SO many pictures I could choose.  I love this one of my Dad taken in the basement of our house on Whitlock Drive in Dearborn Heights, Michigan.  It tells so much about him.  To his left is the long Desk/Workbench/Bar he invented.  He even wrote an article in Popular Science and was paid the handsome sum of $50 for it!  Check it out:
Howell's article in Popular Science  

He was a creative soul.  See the storyboard to his left?  He was planning some movie or other.  See the reel to reel tape recorder behind him?  Oh, he was a gadget guy of his day.  (I come by it honestly.)  He had several at any one time.  And the Underwood typewriter.  What a relic.  It was old even then and we had TWO of them.  Then there's the piece of formica it sits on that rests on a scissor type frame.  Easy to fold up and store: just remove the top and flatten the frame.  He also had my mom sew a laundry bag that would fit over the frame. I believe that was another article that never quite made it to fruition.  Look how satisfied he looks.  Sitting in that cold basement with all that mismatched furniture.  A bamboo shade as the "wall" between him and the furnace.   He was a man of many ideas, many ahead of their time.  He was definitely born too early.  I have many times imagined what he would have created had he been around for the computer age!

Now THIS picture I submit for two reasons.  To celebrate my 10 year old self.  The exuburence, the un self-consciousness.  I remember the white shorts, they fit perfect.  I remember the black patent flats that had been dress-up but once worn out, could be relegated to the everyday, I loved them! 

And then there's my brother, the one in the middle.  He is fishing with our neighbor, Des Douglas.  I believe we were on a weekend visit to the Douglas family cottage in Ontario on Lake Erie and Des is giving Bob pointers on fishing.  Can you see the sullenness?  Bob liked fishing but I don't think he enjoyed Des's company much.  I think he would have preferred to fish alone, smoking cigerettes and reflecting on song lyrics or something.  He wore white socks, I just notice.

Photographs are without question, among my most highly-valued possessions. Maybe even the tippy-top of the list if I had to choose. 

Look at that 10 year old self.  Bless her!!

This year I will say YES to...

Okay, I'll put a stake in the ground, albeit minor. Besides all the stuff I've been declaring I'll continue to work on this week, I will say YES to some new things:

Experimenting with some new cooking. I'm not saying I'll start eating fish but I am open to new healthy vegetable recipes for instance. Dark greens like kale, etc.

Poetry reading with friends...and maybe even writing.

I will say yes to skiing and snow shoeing whenever I can. And I will take the one hour ice skating lesson I bought at the church auction! And I'll happily, gratefully continue the biking and hiking.

I will say yes to some specific ways to strengthen and tone my arms and abs. I might even buy that ridiculous gadget I saw on TV last night. Totally unnecessary but if it helps me to actually do it, who cares?

I will say yes to creative and craft endeavors as they strike my fancy but I will say no to feeling guilty about not completing every last one of them. I can declare it acceptable to have projects in progress and it may take some time but my experience is I DO eventually pick them back up!

Okay, enough yak about what I'm going to do...it's time this crystal clear Sunday morning to actually go DO something. In the immediate case, this means to clear off and find the top of my desk! Then church, then the Compassion class, then home for more nesting and a yummy chicken and brussel sprouts dinner I'm going to cook for myself. It IS feeling like home!

This year I will say NO to...

Well I have sat here a good long time to see if something new comes up but nothing does. I came to the conclusion that it's okay to say the same thing, in another way. All in the name of intention!

This year I will say NO to the negative self-chatter. Or, more accurately, I will keep keep keep doing by best to be aware of it and when I perceive it, I will genty observe it and be a best-friend to it. Say to it what I would say to Shrun or Letha. Remind the voice that I am enough and I have enough. And ask it questions with tenderness about where does the negativity or sadness come from. I still subscribe to the notion that every single feeling is rooted in either Fear or Love. The Big Two. Once you identify the root, it's much easier to face it deal with it.

I listened to The Unteathered Soul again yesterday during my hike for a couple hours. The challenge to gain awareness of the voice and to get clear that YOU are not the voice, you are observing the voice--that's solid, important work.

And this year I will say YES to so many things. The immediate of which is honoring my body and for that, a crisp Saturday morning bike ride is at hand.... Off I go!

2012 will be the year I...

This is sounding a bit repetitive but I want this to be the year I finally get truly comfortable in my skin. The year I cease using negative motivators like guilt, what others would think, or some unrealistic model to guide me. I want to hone my inner compass, pay attention. and act on IT rather than a preference to please others or live up to some artificial bar I've mistakenly internalized.

One of the things I wrestle with in day to day life is the right balance of tending to my family and friend relationships to keep them in good health. Often that can translate into feeling anxiety around acknowledging birthdays adequately, connecting enough and even just calling people back when they reach out. It's a conundrum because nurturing my relationships is one of the very most important things to me. But here's a sticky question: Do I need to attend to QUITE so many? Are there any, I ask myself, that I keep simply because THEY expect it? Are there any I keep simply because I have some collosal need for validation and want to maintain as many potential sources as possible?

Here's a concrete example to examine: At Christmas this last year, I made or bought modest gifts for 14 people at my place of work, a combination of my bosses, co-workers, staff and volunteers that help me. I received back one long thank you note and 4 gifts. I reflect on it and consider would I do it again? Yes, I believe I would! It was fun and I enjoyed the process in this case. Maybe that's the barometer I should use. Am I enjoying the process? Is it giving from my heart or out of some sense of obligation?

When I first got separated in June, 2010, I basically hibernated socially. I did that for a year almost, keeping contact with only those I'm most close to. A year later, when I moved into this apartment alone, I did a complete about-face. I have been reaching out and cultivating friendships old and new for the last 6 months and have to say, it's been incredibly invigorating and nourishing! I'm GRATEFUL in capital letters. I have friends for hiking, cycling, knitting, heart-talk, beer-drinking, poetry-reading, dinner-sharing, movie watching, walking-- what wealth! In this way, I feel like the real me if that makes any sense.

Because, balanced with all that social time, living alone has given me this: increased alone-time to reflect and write and just "be". I have to say, I experience it as a coming home.

And it begs the question of if I'm meant to have a partner. Maybe this is the way I'm at my best. ??? Dunno. I miss the human touch, I will say that. And snuggling and having someone to come home to, be silly with and share day to day life. Among other things.

But I digress. For now, I'm blessed.

I am enough. I have enough.

This year it is my intention to let go of...

It is my intention to let go of my preference for perfection. I know I said this yesterday but it bears repeating: I want to stay conscious of when I'm operating from a place of unnecessary expectation and knock it off.

It is my desire to face my fears and do whatever I'm fearful of anyway. I mean, if that's the only thing holding me back.

I'm not as sure about this one but I give thought to if it would behoove me to let go of my attachment to the house I spent 20 years in. To make the decisions, hard as they are and extricate the stuff that is mine from it. Get my stuff. The things my side of the family gave us, things my friends gave us. Ohhhh, this one has fear and pain attached to it. It so still feels like my house right now, a year and a half after I left. I feel all the love and best intentions I put into it everytime I'm there. It's so hard to dismantle. And no one is urging me to. Maybe it's okay to leave it still--until there's some reason to move forward. So far, this way works for us both. So, not yet I think. It's the living with the ambiguity. In some ways, a good practice for the perfectionist!

It is my intention to continue the practice I'm new to of letting go of my self-criticism, especially around my body and morph it into a kind and loving, accepting voice.

I am enough. I have enough. I do enough.

This year I will nurture myself with...

Oh, I've been away so long! This is such a nourishing practice, I need to resume it. So it goes. Today's Daily Prompt is perfect for that.

Yes! Continuing to learn to nurture myself is what I'm all about right now. I have made strides during this intense transition period I've been in and I'm encouraged. I'm much more in touch with my inner self and I must continue this exploration. I need to continually answer the question that Liz Gilbert posed to herself in "Eat Pray Love", "What do I really, really, really want?" (She indicated that it's critical to have all three of the reallys...and I agree.) The surprising thing is how less than clear the answers are.

And it's important, so important, to nurture a continual reminder that I already have so much of what I want! I can be happy now. My happiness isn't dependant on any other person or circumstance - like owning a home again, for instance. I can be happy right now. And, the majority of the time, I'm delighted to report, I am.

So I want to nurture that perspective. AND, like Kathy Johnson shared with me yesterday, chant the mantra in my inner voice. "I am enough. I have enough." For real, it's true.

Whatever I end up really doing or accomplishing this year, is okay. But here's a few thoughts
--Keep Keep Keep up with honoring my body: Eat well and exercise alot. It's the foundation of so much else in the feel-good department! Be open and experiment with new ways to do it, to cook new foods, to record diet and exercise in OCD fashion, whatever makes me actually engage in the activity.
--Face the fear about looking for a new job. Even if I decide I don't want to do it, I'd like to get past the fear that comes up when I consider steps such as formulating answers to interview questions, remembering what the hell I accomplished at Adobe :), potentially not being able to remember something in an interview and bombing. So What! I will be stronger if I go through the process. I will grow. Growth rarely comes without going through some pain. (Hell, I should GET that one by now.)
--Have fun with creative outlets and knock off the expectations about tying them up with neat little bows. Do what you feel like doing and enjoy the process! Besides the journaling, blogging, knitting, sewing, crossstich, scrapbooking, card making, photo fooling already in various states of completion, give yourself permission to explore poetry more and maybe even some painting!
--Plan for and enjoy the 2 state bike rides I'm signed up for and the 40th High School reunion I'm coordinating!
--Most of all, carve out time to be still. To reflect. To Be.

#2) Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)

Hmmmm.  Principle #2 of the 10 ways to love is a sound one. 

I wonder how I am at it.  I am well aware, intellectually, how crucial it is to effective communication to use "I" statements instead of sentances starting with "You".  People's ears shut off when they are confronted with a You statement.  They feel accused.  Better to diagnose and reveal one's own feeling about the situation at hand than to accuse the other:  "I feel  __________ when you _________". 

I want to do this well.  AND I also want to speak my truth.  Affirmatively, confidently, with no apologies.  I guess that goes with owning my feelings and taking responsibility, even and especially when there is imperfectness.  Messiness. 

In my heart, I think I really get the part about not needing to be the one that "wins".  I hope I am always looking for how all parties can feel validated, heard.  One learning is that I haven't done this well in the past.  I've been told.  (And I heard it :)

I am only beginning to see my pattern for being risk-adverse in communication.  Hesitant to confront conflict.  Paul says that people often refrain from telling their true feelings because, ultimately, they fear the other person walking away in response.  Hmmmm.

So, my self-help lessons out of this one to remind myself:

1. Remember to use I statements 
2. Speak your truth
3. Acknowledge other viewpoints so the other person feels heard

#1) Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)

This Daily Prompt is amazing.  Even though I'm completely sporadic about writing, I read the prompt everyday.  This one stayed with me yesterday (It's from yesterday) and I made a point on a number of occasions during the day to be aware of my behavior and try to be a better listener.  To not interrupt.  It's hard sometimes!  When I know the answer and my urge is to just cut to the chase and blabber on about what I know.  There are all sorts of reasons to want to hurry - there's so much to do, so many items competing for attention, I want to move to the next thing, get it done.  Alas, that is zooming through life instead of experiencing it. If I listen more carefully, I reap the opportunity to learn something new!

I want to be better at this.  It's as much a selfish motivation as anything.  It just feels good because it requires you to be much more in the moment and present to who you are in dialog with. 

A patient listener is one of the qualities I want to live -- especially when I have a partner once again! 

In what way are you embracing or resisting change?

I am so embracing and resisting change at the same time with all the fibers of my being these days.  There are repel and attract feelings so close together that I should be magnetized.
Or something like that.

My new single, alone life has so many facets that scream "Change!"

I've always thought I was a person who welcomed and embraced change.  Right now, not so sure.

There's a luxurious selfishness about my day to day life now that occasionally.... feels barren. 

When I am resisting the changes, I feel fear. Afraid I am being left out, that I won't have enough, mourning what I no longer have, wishing for the familiar, the known.

When I am embracing the changes, I feel free.  I'm exercising new muscles of creativity, making beauty in my space, reaching out to new people, opening my arms and psyche to new or long forgotten practices.  I'm fully recognizing the transformations that come with experiencing pain, sitting with it, and getting to the other side of it.  I am learning the criticalness of and how to speak my truth.

It is so valuable to remind myself like this about the two paths:  Fear or Freedom.

How can you more fully live the life you're meant to live?

It's true, you can operate on auto-pilot and for years, just go through the motions.  I am realizing that I certainly have.  What does it take to move from just existing to truly experiencing life? 

• Slowing down.  For me, right now, this is what I need to do to live more fully.  My tendancy is to troll for what's the next thing to do and often I mistake activity for direction.  Reflection time helps me to garner gratitude, helps me to hear the voices within more clearly, to focus the blur of what is coming up and to deeply consider the roles I play, consciously and unconsciously.  Slowing down is a spiritual practice and I'd put the writing of these Daily Prompts in that category.  (For that, I'm thankful to Shrunny!)  This morning I went out into the moist, cool darkness, found a place with no streetlights and just gazed up at the sky for a long time. Such Sweetness can be found in the everyday moments if I'm just present.
• Acceptance.  This is huge; a continual, lifelong work in progress.  Accepting what has come before because spending any energy fretting is a complete waste.  Learning to learn from it and look forward.  Accepting what is.  Accepting my own and others imperfections.  Really, really letting it go.  Oh, I am trying, trying, doing good work here.  It is Hard sometimes.
• Having purpose.  In whatever way that floats one's boat.  I have purpose right now managing the church auction database, ridiculous as that sounds.  Some day I would hope to have some "higher" purposes but for now, this is the variety I'm working with.
• Connection.  Connecting with others, human -- and canine and feline too I'd say, so enhances life in my book.  Sharing the human condition. Since I moved into this apartment alone, I have stepped up the connecting with others.  I've needed and greatly appreciated the myriad of emotional gifts I've received from doing this.  I am blessed to have a wide variety of friends and loved ones.  Some would say I overdo it.  Ok, fine.  Let them.
• Because in the end, for me, giving love and truly receiving love is the granddaddy of 'em all, most important factor in fully living the life I'm meant to live.  I still have much to learn in this arena but again, it's good work.

I don't kid myself and think I'm going to make any real difference in the grand scheme of things here. I admire those who have that drive and determination.

For me, for now, I'm working on acceptance and it all, me especially, being enough.

Do You Stress Over Money Concerns?

I can't believe it's October.  Whoops, it's the first of the month.  Time to pay rent.  Fork over $1800 for something I don't own. I can't say I've totally let that one go.  It doesn't sit totally right.  But i'll think about that Right after I finish this....  :)

Stress feels like a pretty strong word but it's true, I think about money alot.  More than I used to certainly when there was more than enough to go aroound.  Now I'm all about recalibrating.  Sometimes I welcome this opportunity to be more selective about where my money goes, be more mindful since more choices have to be made.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm fully aware that I am very fortunate and enjoy plenties most of the world only dream of.  Still, I think about it.

I think about it when I consider whether I should look for more of a "real" job in place of this sweet, low paying, low stress, 3 day a week one I have.  More of a money cushion would be appreciated.  If I had a real income, maybe I could manage to buy a little place for myself.  (In addition to, for the first time in this phase of my life, thinking maybe some more structure, a "bigger" job would be engaging, stimulating, and fun)  It's a see-saw kind of thought, to be sure.  Because, honestly, I often respond to that recurring voice with a recurring big, fat, "Naw!  This is tooo nice, the way it is now".  The inner dialogue continues....

I wonder will I  have "enough" for my older years.  It's questionable.

What forms of negative energy are around you?

Hmmmm.  I think whatever negativity I have around me is self-made.  I don't need to do this, why do I?  I like the paradigm I've been reading about in An Unteathered Soul by Michael Singer.  He talks about energy blocks in our heart or soul.  We have the ability to release those blocks and let the energy flow -- I love that imagery.  The blocks, I think, if you peel away the onion, all originate from Fear.  And Fear is afraid of itself, wants to hold on to itself for protection if that makes any sense. 

Letting the fear go brings freedom.  Seems so simple. 

Regarding holding on to the fear, I think of Bob Newhart's psychologist, imparting 3 expensive words of wisdom:  "Stop Doing That!"

Is your living space welcoming to you and to guests in your home?

Well, yes, essentially, I think it is now.  I have only lived here for three and a half months but I just HAD to get it "set" the way I wanted as soon as I could.  When I open the door to my little apartment now, I get a feeling of peace.  It's a small space.  The front door is IN the living room.  But it's just me. The bedroom is small but I treated myself to a new bed and pure cotton bedcovers that are cheerful and welcoming.  The office/craft room caused me some angst until the piles were tamed and the closet arranged with all the STUFF I have with me.  And I probably have another room's worth of STUFF still at my ex-husband's house.  But it's all okay  for the present moment and that's the moment I'm trying to live in.  I've been, as I mentioned, printing pictures for my little baby hall gallery of love.  It comforts me.  I've been figuring out how to LIVE here.  How to have friends over, how to craft or relax--with others and by myself.  I just made a mental list of who has been in this apartment and since I can, I will share:  Dave, Nina, John, Annie, Sue, Emily, Nick, Cam, Brent, Pat, Susan, Theresa, Robin, Mike, Kathy, Julia, Kristen, Donna, Dennis.  I think that covers it.  I AM a social animal by nature.  I just rejoined Netflix so am watching some movies again.  Learning how to live here.  I don't have a regular cleaning schedule yet though.  Up until a year ago, I had a cleaning lady come in every two weeks for 23 years.  That's a hard one to change.  But, I haven't brought myself to spending the money for one here.  It's such a small space and with just me,  you'd think I could handle it.  I would like to get to a point where I don't mind doing it, that it just feels like happy-nesting to dust and vacumn.  I'm not quite there yet.  Still, overall, sitting here in my familiar 1978 old gold chair, I feel pretty centered and at home.  And for that, I'm grateful.