This is sounding a bit repetitive but I want this to be the year I finally get truly comfortable in my skin. The year I cease using negative motivators like guilt, what others would think, or some unrealistic model to guide me. I want to hone my inner compass, pay attention. and act on IT rather than a preference to please others or live up to some artificial bar I've mistakenly internalized.
One of the things I wrestle with in day to day life is the right balance of tending to my family and friend relationships to keep them in good health. Often that can translate into feeling anxiety around acknowledging birthdays adequately, connecting enough and even just calling people back when they reach out. It's a conundrum because nurturing my relationships is one of the very most important things to me. But here's a sticky question: Do I need to attend to QUITE so many? Are there any, I ask myself, that I keep simply because THEY expect it? Are there any I keep simply because I have some collosal need for validation and want to maintain as many potential sources as possible?
Here's a concrete example to examine: At Christmas this last year, I made or bought modest gifts for 14 people at my place of work, a combination of my bosses, co-workers, staff and volunteers that help me. I received back one long thank you note and 4 gifts. I reflect on it and consider would I do it again? Yes, I believe I would! It was fun and I enjoyed the process in this case. Maybe that's the barometer I should use. Am I enjoying the process? Is it giving from my heart or out of some sense of obligation?
When I first got separated in June, 2010, I basically hibernated socially. I did that for a year almost, keeping contact with only those I'm most close to. A year later, when I moved into this apartment alone, I did a complete about-face. I have been reaching out and cultivating friendships old and new for the last 6 months and have to say, it's been incredibly invigorating and nourishing! I'm GRATEFUL in capital letters. I have friends for hiking, cycling, knitting, heart-talk, beer-drinking, poetry-reading, dinner-sharing, movie watching, walking-- what wealth! In this way, I feel like the real me if that makes any sense.
Because, balanced with all that social time, living alone has given me this: increased alone-time to reflect and write and just "be". I have to say, I experience it as a coming home.
And it begs the question of if I'm meant to have a partner. Maybe this is the way I'm at my best. ??? Dunno. I miss the human touch, I will say that. And snuggling and having someone to come home to, be silly with and share day to day life. Among other things.
But I digress. For now, I'm blessed.
I am enough. I have enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment