#2) Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)

Hmmmm.  Principle #2 of the 10 ways to love is a sound one. 

I wonder how I am at it.  I am well aware, intellectually, how crucial it is to effective communication to use "I" statements instead of sentances starting with "You".  People's ears shut off when they are confronted with a You statement.  They feel accused.  Better to diagnose and reveal one's own feeling about the situation at hand than to accuse the other:  "I feel  __________ when you _________". 

I want to do this well.  AND I also want to speak my truth.  Affirmatively, confidently, with no apologies.  I guess that goes with owning my feelings and taking responsibility, even and especially when there is imperfectness.  Messiness. 

In my heart, I think I really get the part about not needing to be the one that "wins".  I hope I am always looking for how all parties can feel validated, heard.  One learning is that I haven't done this well in the past.  I've been told.  (And I heard it :)

I am only beginning to see my pattern for being risk-adverse in communication.  Hesitant to confront conflict.  Paul says that people often refrain from telling their true feelings because, ultimately, they fear the other person walking away in response.  Hmmmm.

So, my self-help lessons out of this one to remind myself:

1. Remember to use I statements 
2. Speak your truth
3. Acknowledge other viewpoints so the other person feels heard

#1) Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)

This Daily Prompt is amazing.  Even though I'm completely sporadic about writing, I read the prompt everyday.  This one stayed with me yesterday (It's from yesterday) and I made a point on a number of occasions during the day to be aware of my behavior and try to be a better listener.  To not interrupt.  It's hard sometimes!  When I know the answer and my urge is to just cut to the chase and blabber on about what I know.  There are all sorts of reasons to want to hurry - there's so much to do, so many items competing for attention, I want to move to the next thing, get it done.  Alas, that is zooming through life instead of experiencing it. If I listen more carefully, I reap the opportunity to learn something new!

I want to be better at this.  It's as much a selfish motivation as anything.  It just feels good because it requires you to be much more in the moment and present to who you are in dialog with. 

A patient listener is one of the qualities I want to live -- especially when I have a partner once again! 

In what way are you embracing or resisting change?

I am so embracing and resisting change at the same time with all the fibers of my being these days.  There are repel and attract feelings so close together that I should be magnetized.
Or something like that.

My new single, alone life has so many facets that scream "Change!"

I've always thought I was a person who welcomed and embraced change.  Right now, not so sure.

There's a luxurious selfishness about my day to day life now that occasionally.... feels barren. 

When I am resisting the changes, I feel fear. Afraid I am being left out, that I won't have enough, mourning what I no longer have, wishing for the familiar, the known.

When I am embracing the changes, I feel free.  I'm exercising new muscles of creativity, making beauty in my space, reaching out to new people, opening my arms and psyche to new or long forgotten practices.  I'm fully recognizing the transformations that come with experiencing pain, sitting with it, and getting to the other side of it.  I am learning the criticalness of and how to speak my truth.

It is so valuable to remind myself like this about the two paths:  Fear or Freedom.

How can you more fully live the life you're meant to live?

It's true, you can operate on auto-pilot and for years, just go through the motions.  I am realizing that I certainly have.  What does it take to move from just existing to truly experiencing life? 

• Slowing down.  For me, right now, this is what I need to do to live more fully.  My tendancy is to troll for what's the next thing to do and often I mistake activity for direction.  Reflection time helps me to garner gratitude, helps me to hear the voices within more clearly, to focus the blur of what is coming up and to deeply consider the roles I play, consciously and unconsciously.  Slowing down is a spiritual practice and I'd put the writing of these Daily Prompts in that category.  (For that, I'm thankful to Shrunny!)  This morning I went out into the moist, cool darkness, found a place with no streetlights and just gazed up at the sky for a long time. Such Sweetness can be found in the everyday moments if I'm just present.
• Acceptance.  This is huge; a continual, lifelong work in progress.  Accepting what has come before because spending any energy fretting is a complete waste.  Learning to learn from it and look forward.  Accepting what is.  Accepting my own and others imperfections.  Really, really letting it go.  Oh, I am trying, trying, doing good work here.  It is Hard sometimes.
• Having purpose.  In whatever way that floats one's boat.  I have purpose right now managing the church auction database, ridiculous as that sounds.  Some day I would hope to have some "higher" purposes but for now, this is the variety I'm working with.
• Connection.  Connecting with others, human -- and canine and feline too I'd say, so enhances life in my book.  Sharing the human condition. Since I moved into this apartment alone, I have stepped up the connecting with others.  I've needed and greatly appreciated the myriad of emotional gifts I've received from doing this.  I am blessed to have a wide variety of friends and loved ones.  Some would say I overdo it.  Ok, fine.  Let them.
• Because in the end, for me, giving love and truly receiving love is the granddaddy of 'em all, most important factor in fully living the life I'm meant to live.  I still have much to learn in this arena but again, it's good work.

I don't kid myself and think I'm going to make any real difference in the grand scheme of things here. I admire those who have that drive and determination.

For me, for now, I'm working on acceptance and it all, me especially, being enough.

Do You Stress Over Money Concerns?

I can't believe it's October.  Whoops, it's the first of the month.  Time to pay rent.  Fork over $1800 for something I don't own. I can't say I've totally let that one go.  It doesn't sit totally right.  But i'll think about that Right after I finish this....  :)

Stress feels like a pretty strong word but it's true, I think about money alot.  More than I used to certainly when there was more than enough to go aroound.  Now I'm all about recalibrating.  Sometimes I welcome this opportunity to be more selective about where my money goes, be more mindful since more choices have to be made.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm fully aware that I am very fortunate and enjoy plenties most of the world only dream of.  Still, I think about it.

I think about it when I consider whether I should look for more of a "real" job in place of this sweet, low paying, low stress, 3 day a week one I have.  More of a money cushion would be appreciated.  If I had a real income, maybe I could manage to buy a little place for myself.  (In addition to, for the first time in this phase of my life, thinking maybe some more structure, a "bigger" job would be engaging, stimulating, and fun)  It's a see-saw kind of thought, to be sure.  Because, honestly, I often respond to that recurring voice with a recurring big, fat, "Naw!  This is tooo nice, the way it is now".  The inner dialogue continues....

I wonder will I  have "enough" for my older years.  It's questionable.

What forms of negative energy are around you?

Hmmmm.  I think whatever negativity I have around me is self-made.  I don't need to do this, why do I?  I like the paradigm I've been reading about in An Unteathered Soul by Michael Singer.  He talks about energy blocks in our heart or soul.  We have the ability to release those blocks and let the energy flow -- I love that imagery.  The blocks, I think, if you peel away the onion, all originate from Fear.  And Fear is afraid of itself, wants to hold on to itself for protection if that makes any sense. 

Letting the fear go brings freedom.  Seems so simple. 

Regarding holding on to the fear, I think of Bob Newhart's psychologist, imparting 3 expensive words of wisdom:  "Stop Doing That!"

Is your living space welcoming to you and to guests in your home?

Well, yes, essentially, I think it is now.  I have only lived here for three and a half months but I just HAD to get it "set" the way I wanted as soon as I could.  When I open the door to my little apartment now, I get a feeling of peace.  It's a small space.  The front door is IN the living room.  But it's just me. The bedroom is small but I treated myself to a new bed and pure cotton bedcovers that are cheerful and welcoming.  The office/craft room caused me some angst until the piles were tamed and the closet arranged with all the STUFF I have with me.  And I probably have another room's worth of STUFF still at my ex-husband's house.  But it's all okay  for the present moment and that's the moment I'm trying to live in.  I've been, as I mentioned, printing pictures for my little baby hall gallery of love.  It comforts me.  I've been figuring out how to LIVE here.  How to have friends over, how to craft or relax--with others and by myself.  I just made a mental list of who has been in this apartment and since I can, I will share:  Dave, Nina, John, Annie, Sue, Emily, Nick, Cam, Brent, Pat, Susan, Theresa, Robin, Mike, Kathy, Julia, Kristen, Donna, Dennis.  I think that covers it.  I AM a social animal by nature.  I just rejoined Netflix so am watching some movies again.  Learning how to live here.  I don't have a regular cleaning schedule yet though.  Up until a year ago, I had a cleaning lady come in every two weeks for 23 years.  That's a hard one to change.  But, I haven't brought myself to spending the money for one here.  It's such a small space and with just me,  you'd think I could handle it.  I would like to get to a point where I don't mind doing it, that it just feels like happy-nesting to dust and vacumn.  I'm not quite there yet.  Still, overall, sitting here in my familiar 1978 old gold chair, I feel pretty centered and at home.  And for that, I'm grateful.

Do you spend a lot of time traveling to and from places? If so, is it worth it?

Commuting is something I haven't had to do for years, thank goodness.  For the last 15 years, my commute has been 8 miles or less.  I've even been able to ride my bike to work.  (I should do that more often, of course, but the important thing is I can!) 

There have been times in my life when I had horrible commutes.  The worst was an hour each way on the ugliest freeway in Los Angeles, the 10, where I endured stop-and-go traffice into and out of a Wilshire Blvd highrise.  I was young, though.  I didn't consider it that awful at the time.  I wouldn't even consider it now. 

I come from Detroit. Cars are not the enemy to me as they are to many. That said, I have sampled traveling by train this last year and found it to be just delightful. Bus too - not so delightful. But I enjoy being able to read or crochet or knit while traveling. Letting someone else drive allows you to slow down, internally somehow. I like that.

Now, I have a new car that sports all the gadgets for my listening pleasure and I actually enjoy long drives.  When I drive to my cabin, 3 hours away, or down to visit my daughter in Santa Barbara (4+ hours), I have a choice of listening to satellite radio, podcasts (of This American Life, my fav), audiobooks, and even regular radio. What luxury!  However, what I find myself doing as often as not is to savor the silence.  Or, more accurately, tune in to the chatter in my head.  It's soothing somehow.  So, yes, it's worth it.

Do You Have Work That Fulfills You?

I'm blessed to be able to answer this with a resounding Yes!  I'm not changing the world but at my church, where I work, I think I'm able to add value enough so that I make the world there a better place.  And people are NICE.  There is laughter.  And I'm appreciated.  And, dare I say it,  I only work 3 days a week.

There is a wonderful blend. 

• The short week has a rhythm.  I do some of the same tasks every week  Being a person who has a high tolerance and even an appreciation for repetition, e.g. I LIKE data entry, this suits me.  I actually make a checklist that looks much the same every week and happily check the boxes.  I am able to complete everything and even leave the email inbox with no scroll bar at the end of the week.
• You never know who is going to walk through the door or call on the phone.  I've come to enjoy this (mostly).  Whether a vendor, a service person, the kids from the community center we share space with or someone who is homeless, looking for a word with the minister, it is rarely dull.
• I get to play with software that is new to me and keeps me interested. Filemaker, Dreamweaver, SoundBooth, PhotoShop, InDesign, and yesterday I even took a dip in Illustrator.  In all of them I know just enough to get by and fullfill my database, web, audio, brochure and room set up needs. I know, some would say I have a wierd sense of fun.  Let 'em.
• The church leadership and membership are people of integrity, with a healthy portion of really smart and fun ones!
• The whole package has a spiritual side that is there for the exploring, if and when I choose.

There is a trade off, of course, as you'd expect:  Wages.

Still, for now, this is working for me well.  Especially during this deep Transition (with a capital T) I'm in right now.   I'm just glad I'm able to swing it, financially. 

What is your position on Capital Punishment?

Here's my position...I'm as apathetic and apolitical as they come.  I just don't know if I have a position on capital punishment, really.  In general, I don't feel like killing someone solves anything.  But in my typical head-in-the-sand happy place, I prefer to stay out of it. 

What if you make a mistake or all the information isn't revealed and you kill someone for something they didn't really do?  Not that I think prisons are much of a solution.  I really don't know enough (or care enough?) to comment on this one.  Like usual in this kind of debate, I'd prefer to stay out of it.  Oh, I already said that.

Telling, isn't it?

Shallow Susan Speaks

Don't think too hard... Go with the first memory that comes to mind: The word is Elephant

Ya know how often people have an animal or icon of something they identify with for some reason?  My (now ex) mother-in-law loves elephants.  She just appreciates them for some reason.  Their wisdom maybe.  Or longevity.  (She has both.)  So there for awhile before people got the message, everyone was buying her gifts that were either little elephants or had images of elephants on them. You get the picture.  It wasn't long before she felt like there were too many elephant representations in her house and had to politely ask everyone to knock it off! 

I've had this experience too.  My first was with bunnies.  I just think they are so darn cute.  I started with a picture on the wall of an artful bunny in the snow, progressed to wood bunnies on the shelf--this was in the early 90's and the cornflower blue phase.  Minature bunnies in, dare I say it, the miniature shelf cabinet on the wall.  A bunny shaped shepards hook outside to hold a plant.  Pretty soon, I was being given an art crystal bunny.  That was pushing it, I knew.  Then we got one of the real things.  Thumper.  Thumper lived in the backyard and that little bugger was the most unsociable, unaffectionate rabbit there ever was.  Still, I did feel bad when something got it.  Ick.  I had to shield Nina from seeing him, laid out, rigamortus set in. And having never lived on a farm of any kind, I wasn't used to this short lifecycle thing.  Picking him up and putting him in the garbage can involved grimaces.  (The idea of burying and having a little memorial was out of the question -- what nice thing could we say about a bunny that only ran away from us?)  End of my bunny phase. 

Quietly I have found myself now attracted to frogs and toads.  But don't anybody buy me any!

What are you in the process of balancing?

Balancing isn't the right word.  I am very aware that my perspective currently is weighted far too heavily in looking backward, reflecting.  It doesn't help that my hobbie is picture-keeping and scrapbooking.  In the name of organizing them, I fondle old pictures of simpler times, when I was clear about my direction and what I was striving for.  If you had asked me then I might not have realized I was clear.  I probably thought I was just a gerbil on a wheel. (and maybe that IS a more accurate description) From here, though, it looks like I had purpose.

So, here I am. Knowing in my head the healthy perspective is to be in the right-this-moment-NOW.  To be looking forward, scanning, reflecting enough to bring into focus where the hell I'm going. (Because we all have to be going somewhere, don't we? )

Still, this morning I scanned more pictures for my hall gallery where I'm hanging images of love to comfort me. The two for this morning were....

 and this one

Awww, they make me smile. 

So, balancing my perspective to be more NOW and forward facing is the name of the game for me currently.  But maybe I needn't try to identify where I'm going.  I could just BE. And, as Maureen says, just let it come up and reveal itself.  Patience. Observe when I'm filling myself with "shoulds", be compassionate and bottom-line, forgive myself  for my imperfections.

Yeah.

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up." ~ Jesse Jackson Who are you helping up?

No more than ten minutes on this one.  Geesh, it catches me up short.  At this juncture, I don't see myself mentoring or helping much of anyone.  That's sad.

I think I have in the past. People have told me that.  I don't know what to say.  Except that I guess this isn't the time for me to be doing this.  I will again, I'm sure.  But right now, I'm the one being helped up.  On a daily basis.  And actually, I don't know if it's really "up".  But for the first time in my life I am crying at some point during the day like 4 or 5 days a week.  Really.  I used to go months without crying.  For years and years I did that. Ten years of anti-depressants on and off. Truth be told, in that small regard, I am finding this is preferable.  It feels richer to be in touch with those parts of myself.  The place where the sorrow lives.  It's genuine (my favorite word).

I certainly don't want to be a pity party, though. 

I do little tiny things for certain people these days.  Best I can.  And for now, that will have to be enough.

What do you know about love?

Okay, so that's a hum-dinger of a question to ask me at this juncture, newly divorced after some 20 years. Arrggh.
There are many different ways to show love. It's not always obvious. Because commonly people speak in the love language they prefer to receive in. (As I believe Gary Chapman pointed out in his popular book, The Five Love Languages --that I haven't actually read) Just like me to quote something I haven't read. Just like me to get off-topic when the topic is tricky, too. That's what I like about this blog thing.

I know that the love I feel for my daughter is so deep, it's an ache really. A joyous ache, if that makes any sense. I have a similar feeling about my mom, my best friends, and many members of my family of origin.

Right now with regard to a life-partner, I'm not feeling adept at love. Love is uber-confusing for me. I'm smart enough to not be wishing for the gaga-beginning butterflies in the stomach stuff. That stuff is actually uncomfortable. Maybe this is the time and place to bullet list my wish list. Phew, I wonder, who might read this. Scary stuff to document. So what, here goes.

• I'd like us to WANT to sit close some of the time. Not all of the time, mind you. But to take turns having that urge -- in the ordinary moments and of course, in the poignent moments. To touch, easily, naturally. To lean toward each other when a picture is being taken.
• I'd like us to be willing and do our best to listen to each other and acknowledge. I've recently heard clearly that I don't always make it clear that I've heard my partner. :) I have pledged to myself to work on this acknowledging, affirming stuff.
• I'd like it to be the bedrock foundation that we are in each others' corner. Which isn't to say we can't respectfully disagree. But I'd like there to be WORDS SPOKEN of support for each other on a consistent basis. Affirming.
• I'd like us to have some common interests and activities that we engage in happily together. Which isn't to say we have to be joined at the hip. And I'd like us to respect/affirm the interests we don't share.
• I'd like us to LAUGH together.
• I'd like us to feel protective of each other.
• I'd like us to be social with friends and family. To travel easily together - which isn't to say we have to travel far or frequently.
• I'd like us to be flexible with each other - or to strive to be. I guess I'm speaking to being willing to compromise. And to acknowledging the one who compromises.
• I'd like us to share a very similar perspective about money. (It's a WISH list!)
• I'd like us to be able to say we are sorry when we screw up.
• I'd like us to acknowledge the little acts of service we might do for each other and to have the thank you RECEIVED.
• I need to be with someone who accepts my extra 20 pounds. More than I do.

Okay, enough. It's aspirational, after all!

How important to you is 'self-esteem'?

Phew.  This question is loaded. 
Self-esteem is something I have always lacked enough of.  Not to say I operate as a door mat.  I don't let others take advantage of me.  No, I leave that to myself.  The chatter that goes on in my head is just not that kind.  Here I am at 57 and I'm still making efforts to improve this situation.  To observe the chatter but not be of it.  To greet it with compassion.  And do my best to walk it back to it's room. 

Because, here's the thing.  If you don't have enough self-esteem, you are always looking to the outside, to others, for validation and recognition of your worth.  And guess what?  They don't always get with the program.  It shouldn't be their job, of course anyway.  I knoooooow this.  I know it should come from within.  But the consistent doing of it is another matter. 

Acceptance is the name of the game - both within and with others.  Accepting imperfection!  Because, indeed, that's Reality.  My challenge with self-esteem is exasperated by my perfectionist tendancies.  How could I ever measure up?  How can I be enough? 

I think of how I truly feel toward those I love.  How I would tell them it's okay, they don't need to be perfect.  Why can't I do it for myself more consistently?  Put on my accepting glasses when I view my behavior.  I need this more than ever now.  Now that I'm on my own.

Blessed be.  May it be so.

How important to you is respect?

Respect isn't something I think about very much, at least in that word.  But if you make me think about it, I guess I want it.  I tend to operate more in the realm of hoping people will LIKE me.  Embarassing a little to admit but the truth emerges about my priorities here in this banal blog.  Smiley face.

I certainly respect others and even attempt  to respect ALL others, including the ones who don't seem to deserve it.  That's challenging sometimes but given a moment, I do my best to consider what brought them to this moment; what did they endure? what were they modeled?  Maybe I don't always get to respect but I try for compassion at least.

What other kind of respect is there?  Respecting privacy.  Respecting the earth. Respecting others' rights (usually to do something you don't agree with).  Paying your respects...interesting terminology now that I consider it.  Disrespect.

The whole thing doesn't have the emotional charge for me that it seems to have for many.  I might suggest that those worried so much about being respected are operating from a fear of being "less than".  You can't effectively demand respect.

There is a hole in the wall. You look through it. What do you see?

Maybe I should look through that hole and try to envision the next chapter in my life.  The one where I come out of the coccoon, safe and lovely as it is, and I grow wings.  What do I wish to see?  First off, I desire to operate from a position and feeling of abundance.  Not fear.  If I observe any fear, I'd like to be wise enough to use it as a learning tool and let it go by.  I see a continued wealth of family and friends that feed and nurture my soul and for whom I do the same.  I will still have my calendar full and it will include activities that stimulate and relax and exercise me in oh so many ways.  Learning, creating, celebrating, noticing the miracles in everyday moments.  I will have found a meaningful way to give back in however small a way. There is copious amounts of laughter!  I will still be biking and hiking and walking.  My travels will include activities like state bike rides and BackRoads/ElderHostel type adventures. A class here and there. It gives me peace to imagine it!

If you could have any talent, what would it be?

9/3/2011
Well, the first thing that comes to mind is music.  I think I would dearly love to have the ability to make music.  Play piano, I guess.  I know, even at 57, it's not too late to begin, to get the pleasure and benefit of learning something new.  But, somehow, I'm not motivated enough to do it.    So what other talent do I wish I had?  Maybe one you either have or you don't and I don't.  Hmmm.  Painting maybe.  Watercolor.  But heck, I could TRY that.  Learn some basics and well, the big deal with even if you have a talent is PRACTICE.  Just doing it.  I know when I was in my teens and 20s I garnered great peace and satisfaction from writing, well, poetry.  I've often regarded that as the real me.  The piece of me that got buried while I was busy with making a family, making a living, making a life.  Maybe more making than living.  Perhaps in my "last third" of life it's finally time to examine what may have been ignored and covered over.  Maureen, my therapist, suggests that at this juncture I needn't worry about digging or excavating but instead pay attention to what emerges naturally and rises up.  She's very wise, this Maureen.